Top Surgery
I am about 38 hours away from having top surgery and I am scared shitless. I keep going in these waves of terror followed by giddy excitement. My anxiety is through the roof. I can't sleep well, but, boy, I can eat. I know this is the right choice. Every time I think about the results of the surgery, I feel this elation that is overwhelming. I know it is called gender euphoria, but it feels even bigger that that. Mom told me that she knows this is right for me because she remembers when I was trying to breastfeed. She said it was painful to watch because it was obvious that it wasn't natural for me at all. It is weird to have my mom see things in my past that point to where I am today. Like, I do it all of the time, but knowing that it was so obvious that even my mom can see it in retrospect is a bit overwhelming. I do still have female vanity rearing its ugly head when my anxiety is at its highest. What if no one finds me attractive after the surgery? What if I am jus
